Tag: self-compassion

Various life updates

On 09/04/2025

In Art & Practice, Music, Plans & Events, Readings, Reflexions, Self-care & self-compassion, TV shows

It’s been a while! To be completely frank, I lacked inspiration, and kept procrastinating. Exciting news were received today however, so I’ll get on with all of this!

***

First, the less joyful but fulfilling nonetheless : I finished reading Enlightenment by Sarah Perry on the morning of April 1st. The physical copy I’d gotten from the Grande Bibliothèque de Montréal helped tremendously with focus. It had been too long since I’d had a real book in my hands.

The story was an exercise in finding ways to relate to characters I had little in common with, at least at first. The two main characters, Thomas and Grace, are initially found in a rather… old-fashioned baptist community. Thomas seems to be a bit of an outsider in every setting, and eventually we find out why. Watching him fall in love with astronomy and hold on to past loves was very endearing.

So is Grace, whose oddness, curiosity and hunger clash with her faith on several occasions and in as many different ways. Her temper, confusion, and conflict, while not one I specifically encountered, was nonetheless very relatable.

Overall the story was very human, both through the main characters and those orbiting them in the present, and through the mystery figure Thomas searches for in the past. Imperfect individuals trying their best to build a good life with what they’re given and falling prey to their own emotions.

On April 2nd, the very next day, I started with Viola Davis’s memoir Finding Me. I knew I needed something especially engaging, and memoirs often do the trick. This one is no exception : a week later, it’s almost halfway done!

***

I’m now a week and half back into my previous habits. My objective of completing 4 out of 7 of my daily goals turned out pretty well so far. Though itching to go back to fully fill out my checkmarks everyday, I also know that rushing into it is just likely to mess things up. I took a month off from expectations, I will at least give myself a few weeks to get back on track properly.

One of the things I was aiming for was to draw for longer periods and more intentionally : make it a practice and actually work at it. I still haven’t pushed myself to do it. It is absolutely fear of messing up and of upsetting myself in the process. How annoying is it, to upset myself into being afraid of being upset!

Last week, I revisited my portfolio to motivate myself. Having not practiced consistently for years, my skills have rusted, and it is frustrating to try and shake it off. Looking back meant to inspire me, and to remind me that if I managed to get to that level of skills, I can do it again. It is going to necessitate intentional work, and it is going to remain frustrating for a long while, but it’s possible.

And it did inspire me. But I’m still afraid. That’s also something that needs work.

***

The exciting news : 21 years after their first visit to Montreal, The Rasmus are coming back in a month for a concert!!

I cannot properly express how deeply their appearance in my life shaped it. The people I met, the experiences and opportunities, the growth that came from all of it… There is no wondering what my life would have been like had I not stumbled on their video for In The Shadows and subsequently gotten obsessed. I am genuinely grateful for all of it.

While there is some catching up to do on their discography, I look forward to it, and to both revisit memories and make new ones.

***

I’ve been binge-watching Yellowjackets this week, which is all kinds of messed up and convoluted, but doing a great job and keeping me engaged. For the most part. There have been moments when it felt it was more background noise than anything else, and it made me reflect on my binging tendencies. No breakthrough yet, but awareness is the first step…

The end of the lowered expectations experiment

by Laury

On 30/03/2025

In Art & Practice, Readings, Reflexions, Self-care & self-compassion, TV shows

The fourth week has come to a close, and I have mixed feelings.

Overall, it did some good, even though the original goal was not exactly reached. I’m ending it now because though what it meant to accomplish didn’t happen, something else did that has the same end result.

The past year was very difficult, and though the various losses I sustained were generally processed in a healthier way than those of 2022 were – growth! – I fully expected myself to have a breakdown at some point. The lowered expectations were meant to give myself space to let that happen, so I could let it all out, then move on.

It came really close two weeks ago, when technical work issues had me so stressed and exhausted that the state of overwhelm followed me most of the week. I mentioned it to my supervisor who got really concerned, and then somehow, I think I pushed it all out of the way while reassuring him that this was part of a known cycle – it is – and that I’d be just fine – I was.

Not going to lie, it sorta felt like a missed opportunity. It also didn’t feel like things were getting repressed, so perhaps talking about it really did help process it. Who’d have known!

One consistent issue throughout the experiment has been the lack of energy. There had been hopes of sleeping more, better, and none of that happened. Unsurprisingly, having more time to feel and face my own feelings did not turn into long walks on the beach and romantic dinners with my emotions. Doomscrolling and constant background noise were the numbing poisons of choice practically the whole time. Doing less, in this case, led to burning more energy on unhelpful activities. And that also meant not having enough to infuse into the willpower to do anything about it.

And yet. Sometime last week, as I watched this video of advice on how to better wrangle oneself as an artist, something, somewhere in my mind, clicked back into place. Hard to define and impossible to explain, but for the first time in a really long time, and especially since my dad’s passing 6 months ago, I felt that I was going to be okay. Not yet, but eventually.

That was actually the cathartic moment that my lowered expectations were meant to bring me : the ability to see – no, to feel – a future. Not just being stuck in an uncomfortable, soul-crushing present.

Grief will always take exactly as much time as it needs, and that’s okay. Sometimes it will force me to sit down with it, but I’m not stuck in that chair anymore. I can start moving forward with it, hand in hand.

Today I’m starting my dailies and my tracking again. Immediately jumping back to what I used to expect of myself is obviously an almost surefire way to stumble and get frustrated, so the goal is only for 4 out of 7 dailies for the first week, then I’ll see how it went. My water intake will probably nearly double as it’s tracked – I’m probably somewhat dehydrated.

One major change will be drawing. 2 minutes isn’t enough to return to the levels of passion and skill I have been (passively) dreaming about, so I want to try and commit to an hour a day, on 4 days per week at first, then augment from that point. My job requires 2 office days per week, but then the hour can get split into 2 sessions of 30 minutes instead.

*******

Almost done with Enlightenment by Sarah Perry, as the Grande Bibliothèque de Montréal had available copies, rather than waiting for the digital copy, or for my neighbourhood library to find theirs. 60 pages left!

The Residence, an investigative Netflix dramedy, ended up very binge-worthy! Uzo Aduba was marvellous as the peculiar detective, and while realistic as it’s a Netflix show, I’m hoping for more seasons.

Caught up with the second season’s finale of Severance and looking forward to more confusion in the third one!

The Wheel of Time’s 5 first episodes of season 3 have been incredibly satisfying as well! 3 more to go!

Excited about :

A 3rd series of Avatar coming in 2026! A rewatch will be in order!
The 2027 Legend of Zelda movie! While we don’t know much about it yet, the director seems like a die-hard fan, so hopefully his love for the original material will make this a piece of art worthy of the legend.

Lowered expectations: week 2!

by Laury

On 14/03/2025

In Readings, Self-care & self-compassion, TV shows

TRIGGER WARNING : Mention of cancer and death

A second week coming soon to a close, and the lowered expectations almost achieved their purpose!

The objective, let me remind you, was to give myself space to basically break down over all of last year’s difficult events, after repressing emotions and trauma for months because, simply put, I had more important things to do.

Saturday was the funeral for my aunt, who passed away from cancer last month. There had been several weeks between the two events, so the shock had mostly passed, and I was once again reminded how my siblings and I face death with humour.

(Nothing disrespectful to the lost one, nor to the loved ones. But we get that from my dad who, on his literal death bed chuckled, “Yeah right” when my sister said she would miss him.)

That would have been a logical breaking-apart point. But instead I met human connection with not only my siblings, but my extended family as well. It always wards off the darkness.

And then Monday came around. My work is currently deploying significant updates that suddenly made it impossible for me to connect and work from home, and 5 days later, we still don’t know why.

To be fair, the situation is genuinely confounding, but the stress generated by everything around it – working at the office on the busiest days, extra transit time off rush hour after spending hours talking to IT on several days, much less time to do my actual work, much less time and energy to take care of my home, and the prospect of this situation continuing for potentially much longer – became a lot. On Thursday back pain crept up, which happens under significant stress. Sleep was not very restful, which added to the whole situation.

The breakdown felt imminent. But I wasn’t going to let it happen in front of colleagues, so I planned to hold it together until the weekend.

Then my weekly one-on-one with my supervisor happened and we talked and again: human connection wards off the darkness. They have been supportive and understanding, and I think genuinely disappointed not to be able to help much. My request for next Wednesday off was immediately granted though, and my plans for a self-care day applauded. They encouraged me to make use of every possible resource.

So the breakdown didn’t happened. Though the problem persists, I was able to work from home today, I might be able to do so again next week, and a higher level of support contacted me to take charge of the issue. Now it’s the weekend, we’re having spring temperatures and weather (10°C today! 15°C tomorrow!) and things don’t feel as dire.

It’s never as catastrophic as it feels.

I do wonder if the breakdown is only being delayed, or if it’ll end up being smoothed out and healed. Obviously hoping for the latter, but time will tell!

****

I have not yet managed to finish Sarah Perry’s Enlightenment novel, only halfway through so far. Unfortunately, my digital loan came to its end and I couldn’t renew it as other people were in line. I did try to get it in paper format from my local library, where it was listed as available… but it wasn’t on the shelves. They’ll let me know if / when they find it, but in the meantime, I’m back in the queue for the digital version.

And I’ll be starting a new, physically-owned book until my turn comes : The Origins of Creativity, by Edward O. Wilson. I would have normally tried to start on a memoir (rotating from non-fiction to fiction to memoir) but to be fair, The Art of Learning was a bit of one anyway. Having a paper copy with no time limit on it will also make it easier to pause and pick up once Enlightenment becomes available again, in either format.

Things I’m watching these days :

The Pitt – A pretty hard-hitting medical drama showcasing life in the ER post-COVID.

Daredevil : Born Again – Revival of the formerly Netflix-Marvel series following masked and blind vigilante Daredevil.

9-1-1 – New season! Often lighthearted drama following the crew of the 118 fire station in Los Angeles.

Also excited for season 3 of The Wheel of Time, a fantasy drama where the world is facing challenging that had been brewing for centuries.

Happy weekend!

Lowered expectations : a week later

by Laury

On 09/03/2025

In Reflexions, Self-care & self-compassion

It was freeing at first. Bad weather, and I didn’t force myself to go out for errands to both tick a task and complete a high number of exercise minutes. Or to do it the next day. The errands weren’t urgent, and I didn’t feel like it. I could go to bed when I was tired, without guilt, regardless of what had been achieved that day.

The attempt to get up later than the usual 5am has not been very fruitful. I did not get up as early, however it has not yet managed to be restful. There was an annoyance with my phone’s sleep focus that I’ve only just now found a way around, and guilt about my cat having to wait a bit more for her breakfast. Also, that pesky internal clock is not enjoying derogating to its habits. It’ll take some time.

I also suddenly felt like I had so much free time in my day! Things are so much more fun when there are no expectations. Inspiration rushed in and I did sit down and draw.

So the first few days were a breeze. A nice little vacation that made me think, “I can do that all month, no problem!”

And then guilt and perfectionism saw the space wide open and invited themselves in.

(Not really, they both know they each have a guest room ready, they just also invaded the living room and the kitchen)

It felt fairly subtle, actually. The urges to create were replaced by wasting time on social media and obsessively playing spider solitaire on my phone. Having YouTube videos of people playing games I know by heart just to have unending, background noise droning on, instead of things that engaged me.

The sudden thought that I could be doing something better – with the underlying meaning of “productive” – with my time popped more and more often in my mind, and the awareness of all the things I knew needed doing made that worse.

Then I started to miss the “productive” day high. Clean kitchen, fridge stocked with prepped food, errands done, tasks checked off. And the guilt of not doing my “best” every day.

I’d shared my lowering of my expectations of myself with some of the people closest to me. Not to force any accountability, because it never crossed my mind that I could need any. But suddenly I was thinking, “I could just start up again like normal and not tell anyone”.

Which is very much a red flag. Why would I need to hide this from anyone? Why even feel the need to hide it?

Rationally, I know that it’s a detoxing of sorts and that a week is not enough to be effective. And very fortunately, though evidently not foolproof, I’ve become quite good at coaching myself out of behaviours that don’t serve me. So, as terribly uncomfortable as it has been, I’m continuing with what I’ve started.

There will be some changes though. While at first it felt like anything was possible, including activities previously part of my dailies, at some point “I don’t have to do it” got some of its wires crossed with “I just won’t do it”. This is a time to do away with guilt, not with doing things. I can get up at 5 if I want to, and take an hour-long walk.

This is going to require listening more intently to myself, but challenge accepted.

Correcting course and carrying on!

A Week In

by Laury

On 08/01/2025

In Reflexions

2025 has been going on for a full seven days now! How are we faring?

I’ve been meaning to do a review of the year for several weeks now, but haven’t gotten around to it. Not entirely sure if it’s avoidance, or lack of time, but probably the former. Time has been wasted aplenty.

The shortest Skillshare class I’d listed ended up being my last resort to keep to the “1 Class A Week” objective because I also kept putting that off, though in my defence I spent a lot of time writing this week’s posts, because I wanted to put as much as possible on the table to try and keep myself accountable. And hey, I had to make sure I did do a class, so it sorta worked!

Speaking of which, I managed to publish 7 posts, which is 7 times more than I had done in the previous 5 years combined! I drew, I read, I cleaned, I even meditated!

Still. As much as there is hope for “New Year, New You” when January comes, I have found it difficult, if not impossible, to leave the previous 12 months in the past. Not all bad, which is crucial to remember. 2024 us are the ones who got us here, despite all the challenges that we faced. 2024 us are the basis on which 2025 us will be built upon.

So I am thankful for the me that went through all of last year and who set us up to grow even further in this one. Writing this blog, even without an audience, and pushing herself to try things and face fears and pains.

But I’m also giving her grace. Because she’s in me, fresh off a year full of challenges, changes, grieving, wading through it all so we could find a way forward. And when hardships come this year, whether events or just sadder days, I’ll honour her hard-won battles and remind myself that if she deserves rest and compassion, so do I.

I’ll celebrate 7 blog posts published, one event attended, an artist discovered, dailies achieved and plans for the future, and give myself compassion for the day I could hardly get out of bed, the bare-minimums achieved, and the tasks I didn’t check off my list.

Great objectives are amazing, but we can’t hate ourselves into better versions of who we are. That’s not how we grow.

I hope you are kind to yourself this year. Much love.

***

From this day on, I’ll work on posting at least once a week on Wednesdays, more should the occasion arise. See you then!