Tag: self-care

Various life updates

On 09/04/2025

In Art & Practice, Music, Plans & Events, Readings, Reflexions, Self-care & self-compassion, TV shows

It’s been a while! To be completely frank, I lacked inspiration, and kept procrastinating. Exciting news were received today however, so I’ll get on with all of this!

***

First, the less joyful but fulfilling nonetheless : I finished reading Enlightenment by Sarah Perry on the morning of April 1st. The physical copy I’d gotten from the Grande Bibliothèque de Montréal helped tremendously with focus. It had been too long since I’d had a real book in my hands.

The story was an exercise in finding ways to relate to characters I had little in common with, at least at first. The two main characters, Thomas and Grace, are initially found in a rather… old-fashioned baptist community. Thomas seems to be a bit of an outsider in every setting, and eventually we find out why. Watching him fall in love with astronomy and hold on to past loves was very endearing.

So is Grace, whose oddness, curiosity and hunger clash with her faith on several occasions and in as many different ways. Her temper, confusion, and conflict, while not one I specifically encountered, was nonetheless very relatable.

Overall the story was very human, both through the main characters and those orbiting them in the present, and through the mystery figure Thomas searches for in the past. Imperfect individuals trying their best to build a good life with what they’re given and falling prey to their own emotions.

On April 2nd, the very next day, I started with Viola Davis’s memoir Finding Me. I knew I needed something especially engaging, and memoirs often do the trick. This one is no exception : a week later, it’s almost halfway done!

***

I’m now a week and half back into my previous habits. My objective of completing 4 out of 7 of my daily goals turned out pretty well so far. Though itching to go back to fully fill out my checkmarks everyday, I also know that rushing into it is just likely to mess things up. I took a month off from expectations, I will at least give myself a few weeks to get back on track properly.

One of the things I was aiming for was to draw for longer periods and more intentionally : make it a practice and actually work at it. I still haven’t pushed myself to do it. It is absolutely fear of messing up and of upsetting myself in the process. How annoying is it, to upset myself into being afraid of being upset!

Last week, I revisited my portfolio to motivate myself. Having not practiced consistently for years, my skills have rusted, and it is frustrating to try and shake it off. Looking back meant to inspire me, and to remind me that if I managed to get to that level of skills, I can do it again. It is going to necessitate intentional work, and it is going to remain frustrating for a long while, but it’s possible.

And it did inspire me. But I’m still afraid. That’s also something that needs work.

***

The exciting news : 21 years after their first visit to Montreal, The Rasmus are coming back in a month for a concert!!

I cannot properly express how deeply their appearance in my life shaped it. The people I met, the experiences and opportunities, the growth that came from all of it… There is no wondering what my life would have been like had I not stumbled on their video for In The Shadows and subsequently gotten obsessed. I am genuinely grateful for all of it.

While there is some catching up to do on their discography, I look forward to it, and to both revisit memories and make new ones.

***

I’ve been binge-watching Yellowjackets this week, which is all kinds of messed up and convoluted, but doing a great job and keeping me engaged. For the most part. There have been moments when it felt it was more background noise than anything else, and it made me reflect on my binging tendencies. No breakthrough yet, but awareness is the first step…

Lowered expectations: week 2!

by Laury

On 14/03/2025

In Readings, Self-care & self-compassion, TV shows

TRIGGER WARNING : Mention of cancer and death

A second week coming soon to a close, and the lowered expectations almost achieved their purpose!

The objective, let me remind you, was to give myself space to basically break down over all of last year’s difficult events, after repressing emotions and trauma for months because, simply put, I had more important things to do.

Saturday was the funeral for my aunt, who passed away from cancer last month. There had been several weeks between the two events, so the shock had mostly passed, and I was once again reminded how my siblings and I face death with humour.

(Nothing disrespectful to the lost one, nor to the loved ones. But we get that from my dad who, on his literal death bed chuckled, “Yeah right” when my sister said she would miss him.)

That would have been a logical breaking-apart point. But instead I met human connection with not only my siblings, but my extended family as well. It always wards off the darkness.

And then Monday came around. My work is currently deploying significant updates that suddenly made it impossible for me to connect and work from home, and 5 days later, we still don’t know why.

To be fair, the situation is genuinely confounding, but the stress generated by everything around it – working at the office on the busiest days, extra transit time off rush hour after spending hours talking to IT on several days, much less time to do my actual work, much less time and energy to take care of my home, and the prospect of this situation continuing for potentially much longer – became a lot. On Thursday back pain crept up, which happens under significant stress. Sleep was not very restful, which added to the whole situation.

The breakdown felt imminent. But I wasn’t going to let it happen in front of colleagues, so I planned to hold it together until the weekend.

Then my weekly one-on-one with my supervisor happened and we talked and again: human connection wards off the darkness. They have been supportive and understanding, and I think genuinely disappointed not to be able to help much. My request for next Wednesday off was immediately granted though, and my plans for a self-care day applauded. They encouraged me to make use of every possible resource.

So the breakdown didn’t happened. Though the problem persists, I was able to work from home today, I might be able to do so again next week, and a higher level of support contacted me to take charge of the issue. Now it’s the weekend, we’re having spring temperatures and weather (10°C today! 15°C tomorrow!) and things don’t feel as dire.

It’s never as catastrophic as it feels.

I do wonder if the breakdown is only being delayed, or if it’ll end up being smoothed out and healed. Obviously hoping for the latter, but time will tell!

****

I have not yet managed to finish Sarah Perry’s Enlightenment novel, only halfway through so far. Unfortunately, my digital loan came to its end and I couldn’t renew it as other people were in line. I did try to get it in paper format from my local library, where it was listed as available… but it wasn’t on the shelves. They’ll let me know if / when they find it, but in the meantime, I’m back in the queue for the digital version.

And I’ll be starting a new, physically-owned book until my turn comes : The Origins of Creativity, by Edward O. Wilson. I would have normally tried to start on a memoir (rotating from non-fiction to fiction to memoir) but to be fair, The Art of Learning was a bit of one anyway. Having a paper copy with no time limit on it will also make it easier to pause and pick up once Enlightenment becomes available again, in either format.

Things I’m watching these days :

The Pitt – A pretty hard-hitting medical drama showcasing life in the ER post-COVID.

Daredevil : Born Again – Revival of the formerly Netflix-Marvel series following masked and blind vigilante Daredevil.

9-1-1 – New season! Often lighthearted drama following the crew of the 118 fire station in Los Angeles.

Also excited for season 3 of The Wheel of Time, a fantasy drama where the world is facing challenging that had been brewing for centuries.

Happy weekend!

Lowered expectations : a week later

by Laury

On 09/03/2025

In Reflexions, Self-care & self-compassion

It was freeing at first. Bad weather, and I didn’t force myself to go out for errands to both tick a task and complete a high number of exercise minutes. Or to do it the next day. The errands weren’t urgent, and I didn’t feel like it. I could go to bed when I was tired, without guilt, regardless of what had been achieved that day.

The attempt to get up later than the usual 5am has not been very fruitful. I did not get up as early, however it has not yet managed to be restful. There was an annoyance with my phone’s sleep focus that I’ve only just now found a way around, and guilt about my cat having to wait a bit more for her breakfast. Also, that pesky internal clock is not enjoying derogating to its habits. It’ll take some time.

I also suddenly felt like I had so much free time in my day! Things are so much more fun when there are no expectations. Inspiration rushed in and I did sit down and draw.

So the first few days were a breeze. A nice little vacation that made me think, “I can do that all month, no problem!”

And then guilt and perfectionism saw the space wide open and invited themselves in.

(Not really, they both know they each have a guest room ready, they just also invaded the living room and the kitchen)

It felt fairly subtle, actually. The urges to create were replaced by wasting time on social media and obsessively playing spider solitaire on my phone. Having YouTube videos of people playing games I know by heart just to have unending, background noise droning on, instead of things that engaged me.

The sudden thought that I could be doing something better – with the underlying meaning of “productive” – with my time popped more and more often in my mind, and the awareness of all the things I knew needed doing made that worse.

Then I started to miss the “productive” day high. Clean kitchen, fridge stocked with prepped food, errands done, tasks checked off. And the guilt of not doing my “best” every day.

I’d shared my lowering of my expectations of myself with some of the people closest to me. Not to force any accountability, because it never crossed my mind that I could need any. But suddenly I was thinking, “I could just start up again like normal and not tell anyone”.

Which is very much a red flag. Why would I need to hide this from anyone? Why even feel the need to hide it?

Rationally, I know that it’s a detoxing of sorts and that a week is not enough to be effective. And very fortunately, though evidently not foolproof, I’ve become quite good at coaching myself out of behaviours that don’t serve me. So, as terribly uncomfortable as it has been, I’m continuing with what I’ve started.

There will be some changes though. While at first it felt like anything was possible, including activities previously part of my dailies, at some point “I don’t have to do it” got some of its wires crossed with “I just won’t do it”. This is a time to do away with guilt, not with doing things. I can get up at 5 if I want to, and take an hour-long walk.

This is going to require listening more intently to myself, but challenge accepted.

Correcting course and carrying on!

Normalcy, or lack thereof

by Laury

On 01/03/2025

In Reflexions

Trigger warning: death of a parent.

A month ago, I wrote, but didn’t post, some thoughts on normalcy. I think I was still hoping to return to it in some way, hopefully imminently at the time.

My dad died 5 months ago, three shorts days before my birthday. His health had been declining a bit too quickly in the year leading up to an unexpected hospitalization at the term of which, ten days later, he passed away peacefully.

2024 was not great for me. This time last year, my work life started getting upended, and it didn’t get better in the following months. Then, once my dad was gone, I put my own grief on the back burner (purposefully) to stay with my mom for nearly two months. I’ve been back in my own home for a little under 3 months now.

And for all of this time, I’ve been trying to go back to “normal”. Even being fully aware that I’m not the same person I was a year ago. Knowing that normal can never truly be what I remember it as.

The general goal was to… create some sort of foundation to hold me, before I allow myself to fall apart. For safety. Because I’m always the person I have to lean on during tough times.

But the normal I was aiming for was the normal of January 2024. When I was excitedly working with great people and exercising and cooking and doing all my dailies. Before I cared too much about work and found myself seriously losing sleep over it. Before I touched my dad’s cool cheek and realized he’d passed away while my sister and I were asleep next to him.

That “before” normal cannot exist anymore. I can return to doing all of those things and they can help me in the same ways that they did back then, eventually, but fundamentally, it can never be the same.

I have been so focused on setting up something really solid that I didn’t realize that, once I fall apart, I won’t be able to maintain it anyway. It wasn’t solidifying in the first place, either.

And I need to fall apart. I’ve been patching the cracks for a year, not with the proper glue and lacquer that turn into golden scars, but with cheap duct tape from the dollar store.

Upholding this empty shell of normalcy has been preventing me from processing my grief. Not just about my dad.

And so after years of dailies, mostly completed but sometimes not, I’m giving myself at least this month off. Doesn’t mean none of them will get done – a month without cleaning at all would be bad – just no checks to be completed. I’ll be going with the flow on a day-to-day basis. So when I do fall apart, I don’t also carry the perceived burden of failing self-set expectations. Bad days can just be bad days, not a bad grade.

In March, self-compassion is going to be letting go.

Towards a new normal.