Tag: Mental health

Lowered expectations : a week later

On 09/03/2025

In Reflexions, Self-care & self-compassion

It was freeing at first. Bad weather, and I didn’t force myself to go out for errands to both tick a task and complete a high number of exercise minutes. Or to do it the next day. The errands weren’t urgent, and I didn’t feel like it. I could go to bed when I was tired, without guilt, regardless of what had been achieved that day.

The attempt to get up later than the usual 5am has not been very fruitful. I did not get up as early, however it has not yet managed to be restful. There was an annoyance with my phone’s sleep focus that I’ve only just now found a way around, and guilt about my cat having to wait a bit more for her breakfast. Also, that pesky internal clock is not enjoying derogating to its habits. It’ll take some time.

I also suddenly felt like I had so much free time in my day! Things are so much more fun when there are no expectations. Inspiration rushed in and I did sit down and draw.

So the first few days were a breeze. A nice little vacation that made me think, “I can do that all month, no problem!”

And then guilt and perfectionism saw the space wide open and invited themselves in.

(Not really, they both know they each have a guest room ready, they just also invaded the living room and the kitchen)

It felt fairly subtle, actually. The urges to create were replaced by wasting time on social media and obsessively playing spider solitaire on my phone. Having YouTube videos of people playing games I know by heart just to have unending, background noise droning on, instead of things that engaged me.

The sudden thought that I could be doing something better – with the underlying meaning of “productive” – with my time popped more and more often in my mind, and the awareness of all the things I knew needed doing made that worse.

Then I started to miss the “productive” day high. Clean kitchen, fridge stocked with prepped food, errands done, tasks checked off. And the guilt of not doing my “best” every day.

I’d shared my lowering of my expectations of myself with some of the people closest to me. Not to force any accountability, because it never crossed my mind that I could need any. But suddenly I was thinking, “I could just start up again like normal and not tell anyone”.

Which is very much a red flag. Why would I need to hide this from anyone? Why even feel the need to hide it?

Rationally, I know that it’s a detoxing of sorts and that a week is not enough to be effective. And very fortunately, though evidently not foolproof, I’ve become quite good at coaching myself out of behaviours that don’t serve me. So, as terribly uncomfortable as it has been, I’m continuing with what I’ve started.

There will be some changes though. While at first it felt like anything was possible, including activities previously part of my dailies, at some point “I don’t have to do it” got some of its wires crossed with “I just won’t do it”. This is a time to do away with guilt, not with doing things. I can get up at 5 if I want to, and take an hour-long walk.

This is going to require listening more intently to myself, but challenge accepted.

Correcting course and carrying on!

Normalcy, or lack thereof

by Laury

On 01/03/2025

In Reflexions

Trigger warning: death of a parent.

A month ago, I wrote, but didn’t post, some thoughts on normalcy. I think I was still hoping to return to it in some way, hopefully imminently at the time.

My dad died 5 months ago, three shorts days before my birthday. His health had been declining a bit too quickly in the year leading up to an unexpected hospitalization at the term of which, ten days later, he passed away peacefully.

2024 was not great for me. This time last year, my work life started getting upended, and it didn’t get better in the following months. Then, once my dad was gone, I put my own grief on the back burner (purposefully) to stay with my mom for nearly two months. I’ve been back in my own home for a little under 3 months now.

And for all of this time, I’ve been trying to go back to “normal”. Even being fully aware that I’m not the same person I was a year ago. Knowing that normal can never truly be what I remember it as.

The general goal was to… create some sort of foundation to hold me, before I allow myself to fall apart. For safety. Because I’m always the person I have to lean on during tough times.

But the normal I was aiming for was the normal of January 2024. When I was excitedly working with great people and exercising and cooking and doing all my dailies. Before I cared too much about work and found myself seriously losing sleep over it. Before I touched my dad’s cool cheek and realized he’d passed away while my sister and I were asleep next to him.

That “before” normal cannot exist anymore. I can return to doing all of those things and they can help me in the same ways that they did back then, eventually, but fundamentally, it can never be the same.

I have been so focused on setting up something really solid that I didn’t realize that, once I fall apart, I won’t be able to maintain it anyway. It wasn’t solidifying in the first place, either.

And I need to fall apart. I’ve been patching the cracks for a year, not with the proper glue and lacquer that turn into golden scars, but with cheap duct tape from the dollar store.

Upholding this empty shell of normalcy has been preventing me from processing my grief. Not just about my dad.

And so after years of dailies, mostly completed but sometimes not, I’m giving myself at least this month off. Doesn’t mean none of them will get done – a month without cleaning at all would be bad – just no checks to be completed. I’ll be going with the flow on a day-to-day basis. So when I do fall apart, I don’t also carry the perceived burden of failing self-set expectations. Bad days can just be bad days, not a bad grade.

In March, self-compassion is going to be letting go.

Towards a new normal.

Creativity in dark times

by Laury

On 26/02/2025

In Art & Practice, Reflexions

Walking back to public transit after a trip to the grocery store, I noticed an inscription in a shop window : “Visual arts centre this way”. And my first thought was, “Oh, I should look if they have exhibitions!”

Which is totally in line with this year’s general objective to experience more. But I hadn’t quite realized what this was in answer to until now.

I reflected on how it was still new for me to have that kind of impulse, and then how, of course, it was difficult to be open and creative when you’re dealing with uncertainty, depression, fear, on a personal level. Which is something I’ve known for a good while, but hadn’t yet understood how it applied to me.

As far as the pandemic goes, I was of the very, very lucky ones. As far as I know, there was no loss of employment in the company I work for, and most of us were quickly moved to working from home in March 2020.

Being introverted, and having just then recently discovered how high sensitivity has shaped me, lockdown came almost as a relief. No transit, much fewer people when I went out.

Obviously, again, this was an incredibly privileged position, and I’m also very grateful that it happened to suit me.

But in 2019, there had been a few months of medical leave to sort myself out. And despite my luck work-wise, and how blissfully quiet the world was for my temperament, I wasn’t blind to the distress around me the next year, and in the world at large.

Two family members passed in 2020, though unrelated to the pandemic. 2021 is a blur. 2022 left deep wounds, and the following year was me trying to heal them and deal with the scars. 2024 was difficult is so many, many ways.

Even this year is off to a rocky start.

A couple of years ago, it became apparent that a bad case of perfectionism had robbed me of my passion for drawing. Why start at all if I’m never going to be satisfied with the result? All this time since, I’ve been gently blaming myself for letting it go that far. To be fair, that has been part of the problem.

But somehow I forgot to take into account how difficult the past 5 years have been for me mentally. Not that I dismissed it, nor would I have done so for anyone else in my position. I just… didn’t realize.

Tant qu’il y a de la vie, il y a de l’espoir.

As long as there’s life, there’s hope.

So tonight I will gently apologize to myself for the misplaced blame, and once again practice self-compassion.

Life is what happens when you’re busy making plans

by Laury

On 24/01/2025

In Reflexions

Amazingly, I wrote the post below on Tuesday night, intending to finish up and post it on Wednesday morning.

And then I developed norovirus during that very night, and am just starting to feel human again, 3 days later. Didn’t expect being proven right in such a… way.

****

Only three weeks of January and that has been proven to me a few times already!

First, it feels like the challenging day I had two weeks ago, mental health-wise, has had its after-effects felt since, so focusing and doing the things I want to do, that I know are good for me, is still a challenge these days. At this point it might be too much laisser-aller on my part, and there is definitely a will to do better for myself. Just gotta… do it.

On Monday last week, it was discovered that my mom’s last remaining sister, whose cancer remission had left her in great pain, only had a few months left ahead of her. We lost my dad less than four months ago, so this is quite a hard hit for my mom. My siblings and I are doing whatever we can to be there for her, but grief is grief. We cannot, and should not, shield her from it.

This has of course occupied a great deal of my mind and consumed a lot of energy, not just in worrying for my mom and for my aunt’s comfort, but also empathy for my uncle and my cousins, having gone through something similar quite recently myself.

The psychotherapist I had started seeing also turned out not to be a good fit for me after only two sessions, which left me a bit stressed. While I’m not giving up on therapy at all, I will be waiting to see how things are shaping up around my aunt’s care before I make new plans for regular therapy sessions.

Writing this, I realize that those things are probably more of an explanation to my difficulty to resume my best habits than laisser-aller might be. Always exercising self-compassion, but currently it’s gotten to the point where actually and actively starting on recovery is probably going to be the right choice. Going to gently nudge myself towards doing the right things for myself to start that positive cycle..!

(After I fully recover from norovirus now..!)

(Don’t forget to wash your hands thoroughly!)

What I’ve learned this week

by Laury

On 15/01/2025

In Art & Practice, Reflexions

Already almost halfway through a first month! How are you doing?

One of my general objectives this year is to get more curious. I know, I know, having too many goals at the start of the year is an almost surefire way to ditch all of them. However, being curious is more of a practice and state of mind that can only benefit every sphere of my life.

Curiosity killed the cat, but satisfaction brought it back!

So here are a few things I learned this week :

Entity VS incremental theories of intelligence. I’m currently reading The Art Of Learning by Josh Waitzkin and it crystallized what I had generally understood here and there – the way we approach learning early on has a tremendous effect on how we approach a lot of things in life. Very simply put, entity theory refers to attributing success to an innate and fairly unchanging level of ability, whereas incremental, or learning theory refers to associating it to effort and improvement. The former focuses on accomplishments, which can in turn lead to prioritizing the things that come naturally and shy away from what would require growth. The latter encourages practice and is more likely to have failure as a normal part of the learning process. For example, incredibly lucky to understand things quickly, I went through primary and secondary school pretty easily, without having to study all that much. When schooling became more complex and I didn’t understand new material as easily, my performance dropped drastically. Same with drawing – I was told I was talented from a young age, but I never had the drive to practice and get better – I just drew so much it happened on its own. For a while. Once perfectionism also soured the fun of it, art became a source of anxiety when it had once been a core part of my life. I’m only now realizing how crippling it has become, hence my desire to go back to basics, and to try new things, especially if they feel uncomfortable.
It can easily take several days to recover from one bad mental health day. The last part of 2024 was a significant challenge, and being now fairly well-acquainted with grief, I’m aware that it can creep up on you any time it wants, for no particular reason. It did so over a week ago, and while things were already much better the next day, it took almost five more to start feeling like myself again. My therapist said it’s normal! It’s important to let yourself feel the hard stuff too, and to exercise self-compassion through it. That is why I haven’t taken the time to follow another Skillshare class this week.
Speaking of classes, I learned that a one-line drawing, of florals at least, should be started from the bottom, and that my left-handedness is definitely going to be a challenge in taking art classes! Some of the exercises, which I’ve been repeating almost daily, have been challenging because of it – I start them in the right direction but my brain gets confused as I progress. Clearly something I need to practice further!

What have you learned lately that tickled your mind?