The fourth week has come to a close, and I have mixed feelings.
Overall, it did some good, even though the original goal was not exactly reached. I’m ending it now because though what it meant to accomplish didn’t happen, something else did that has the same end result.
The past year was very difficult, and though the various losses I sustained were generally processed in a healthier way than those of 2022 were – growth! – I fully expected myself to have a breakdown at some point. The lowered expectations were meant to give myself space to let that happen, so I could let it all out, then move on.
It came really close two weeks ago, when technical work issues had me so stressed and exhausted that the state of overwhelm followed me most of the week. I mentioned it to my supervisor who got really concerned, and then somehow, I think I pushed it all out of the way while reassuring him that this was part of a known cycle – it is – and that I’d be just fine – I was.
Not going to lie, it sorta felt like a missed opportunity. It also didn’t feel like things were getting repressed, so perhaps talking about it really did help process it. Who’d have known!
One consistent issue throughout the experiment has been the lack of energy. There had been hopes of sleeping more, better, and none of that happened. Unsurprisingly, having more time to feel and face my own feelings did not turn into long walks on the beach and romantic dinners with my emotions. Doomscrolling and constant background noise were the numbing poisons of choice practically the whole time. Doing less, in this case, led to burning more energy on unhelpful activities. And that also meant not having enough to infuse into the willpower to do anything about it.
And yet. Sometime last week, as I watched this video of advice on how to better wrangle oneself as an artist https://youtu.be/7SqLU8lP4AM?si=GHiVnwdBJhzfxHOP , something, somewhere in my mind, clicked back into place. Hard to define and impossible to explain, but for the first time in a really long time, and especially since my dad’s passing 6 months ago, I felt that I was going to be okay. Not yet, but eventually.
That was actually the cathartic moment that my lowered expectations were meant to bring me : the ability to see – no, to feel – a future. Not just being stuck in an uncomfortable, soul-crushing present.
Grief will always take exactly as much time as it needs, and that’s okay. Sometimes it will force me to sit down with it, but I’m not stuck in that chair anymore. I can start moving forward with it, hand in hand.
Today I’m starting my dailies and my tracking again. Immediately jumping back to what I used to expect of myself is obviously an almost surefire way to stumble and get frustrated, so the goal is only for 4 out of 7 dailies for the first week, then I’ll see how it went. My water intake will probably nearly double as it’s tracked – I’m probably somewhat dehydrated.
One major change will be drawing. 2 minutes isn’t enough to return to the levels of passion and skill I have been (passively) dreaming about, so I want to try and commit to an hour a day, on 4 days per week at first, then augment from that point. My job requires 2 office days per week, but then the hour can get split into 2 sessions of 30 minutes instead.
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Almost done with Enlightenment by Sarah Perry, as the Grande Bibliothèque de Montréal had available copies, rather than waiting for the digital copy, or for my neighbourhood library to find theirs. 60 pages left!
The Residence, an investigative Netflix dramedy, ended up very binge-worthy! Uzo Aduba was marvellous as the peculiar detective, and while realistic as it’s a Netflix show, I’m hoping for more seasons.
Caught up with the second season’s finale of Severance and looking forward to more confusion in the third one!
The Wheel of Time’s 5 first episodes of season 3 have been incredibly satisfying as well! 3 more to go!
Excited about :
- A 3rd series of Avatar coming in 2026! A rewatch will be in order!
- The 2027 Legend of Zelda movie! While we don’t know much about it yet, the director seems like a die-hard fan, so hopefully his love for the original material will make this a piece of art worthy of the legend.
