TRIGGER WARNING : Mention of cancer and death
A second week coming soon to a close, and the lowered expectations almost achieved their purpose!
The objective, let me remind you, was to give myself space to basically break down over all of last year’s difficult events, after repressing emotions and trauma for months because, simply put, I had more important things to do.
Saturday was the funeral for my aunt, who passed away from cancer last month. There had been several weeks between the two events, so the shock had mostly passed, and I was once again reminded how my siblings and I face death with humour.
(Nothing disrespectful to the lost one, nor to the loved ones. But we get that from my dad who, on his literal death bed chuckled, “Yeah right” when my sister said she would miss him.)
That would have been a logical breaking-apart point. But instead I met human connection with not only my siblings, but my extended family as well. It always wards off the darkness.
And then Monday came around. My work is currently deploying significant updates that suddenly made it impossible for me to connect and work from home, and 5 days later, we still don’t know why.
To be fair, the situation is genuinely confounding, but the stress generated by everything around it – working at the office on the busiest days, extra transit time off rush hour after spending hours talking to IT on several days, much less time to do my actual work, much less time and energy to take care of my home, and the prospect of this situation continuing for potentially much longer – became a lot. On Thursday back pain crept up, which happens under significant stress. Sleep was not very restful, which added to the whole situation.
The breakdown felt imminent. But I wasn’t going to let it happen in front of colleagues, so I planned to hold it together until the weekend.
Then my weekly one-on-one with my supervisor happened and we talked and again: human connection wards off the darkness. They have been supportive and understanding, and I think genuinely disappointed not to be able to help much. My request for next Wednesday off was immediately granted though, and my plans for a self-care day applauded. They encouraged me to make use of every possible resource.
So the breakdown didn’t happened. Though the problem persists, I was able to work from home today, I might be able to do so again next week, and a higher level of support contacted me to take charge of the issue. Now it’s the weekend, we’re having spring temperatures and weather (10°C today! 15°C tomorrow!) and things don’t feel as dire.
It’s never as catastrophic as it feels.
I do wonder if the breakdown is only being delayed, or if it’ll end up being smoothed out and healed. Obviously hoping for the latter, but time will tell!
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I have not yet managed to finish Sarah Perry’s Enlightenment novel, only halfway through so far. Unfortunately, my digital loan came to its end and I couldn’t renew it as other people were in line. I did try to get it in paper format from my local library, where it was listed as available… but it wasn’t on the shelves. They’ll let me know if / when they find it, but in the meantime, I’m back in the queue for the digital version.
And I’ll be starting a new, physically-owned book until my turn comes : The Origins of Creativity, by Edward O. Wilson. I would have normally tried to start on a memoir (rotating from non-fiction to fiction to memoir) but to be fair, The Art of Learning was a bit of one anyway. Having a paper copy with no time limit on it will also make it easier to pause and pick up once Enlightenment becomes available again, in either format.
Things I’m watching these days :
The Pitt – A pretty hard-hitting medical drama showcasing life in the ER post-COVID.
Daredevil : Born Again – Revival of the formerly Netflix-Marvel series following masked and blind vigilante Daredevil.
9-1-1 – New season! Often lighthearted drama following the crew of the 118 fire station in Los Angeles.
Also excited for season 3 of The Wheel of Time, a fantasy drama where the world is facing challenging that had been brewing for centuries.
Happy weekend!
